First and foremost, I love my dogs. Science is calling, and the age old question right up there with “Where is Noah’s Ark?” and “Where are the Ten Commandments?” and “Is Bigfoot real?” is: What Bourbon/Whiskey do dogs like?
It’s a fair question that I’m sure has kept loads of you up at night wondering. I’ve got some bad stuff, crappy stuff that I even feel bad about giving to people I don’t like when they come over. People that think that Jack is the balls. I’m not sure how I got the stuff, maybe given to me, forgotten by a wino on a bench, or maybe a hot girl was working the tasting table at the store that day and she smiled at me. Maybe it was left over from that time I was trying to poison my neighbor. Stuff I’d add to Coke if I wanted to ruin the Coke or get people to leave a party that was running waaay too late. Michter’s Sour Mash comes to mind.
The selection has nothing to do with price or rarity, its strictly what I think sucks - so don’t be shocked if you see a $100 whiskey in the photo or one reselling for $1,000, because they still suck to me.
I will do five bowls full of water with a tablespoon of each bourbon in it. I’m reasonably sure after a life time of sniffing other dogs’ asses (and worse), their palates have to be better than some reviews I’ve seen from whiskey writers/reviewers. Not just any writer/reviewer but those that have written that Bourbon must be two years old and from Kentucky. In other words, half of the National Food and Beverage writers/editors and anyone that has a name rhyming with Robert Parker. At this dilution it won’t hurt the dogs. It’s about the same dilution as many people drink it at anyway when they fill a glass with ice and put in Bourbon that melts faster than a drunk’s spilled icy drink on the Vegas strip in July.
It will be a blind taste test, as my dogs are very smart and know about as much as the average new Whiskey drinker. It will be chill filtered, as I don’t want to confuse the dogs when the water bowl gets cloudy and they think something is wrong, and start wanting a new bowl of water.
I’m not going to force it down their throats. I’ll leave it out all night to drink at their leisure like a drinker of blueberry vodka or white zin that orders a flight at a Whiskey bar, taking up some perfectly good seats all night on $30 worth of cheap whiskey, when the bartenders have orthodontists’ bills to pay. I know what you’re thinking: “Truth, If you leave it out all night, won’t the Whiskey evaporate, skewing the results?” The answer is no, because these are so bad the Angels don’t even want their share.
These WILL not be Glencairn Canine bowls, just some soup bowls. If the dogs want to nose the stuff, they will have to make do with a plain bowl. I will not be taking embarrassing photos of their looooong schnozzes nosing the bowls like that of so many Dog Bourbon Snob Avatars.
The water used will be triple filtered and distilled after being taken from a 30,000 year old melted glacier formed as it passed over a limestone spring.
I will do a placebo bowl with no Whiskey in the water and another with Pappy 12 because my dog needs the free press and any review involving Pappy will get national exposure. A “test” will be non whiskey bowl of Ron De Jeremy autographed bottle of Rum.
Before the experiment starts, I will consult with the world’s only “Dog Whiskey Sommelier and Vet” to make sure it meets all the requirements for a good old-fashioned dog Whiskey Tasting. I’ll post the results if I have time.
The photo is a pre-reveal, showing the brands in each bowl. Again, the dogs WILL NOT have access to this information unless said dog fetches me five newspapers from the street or can offer some sort of monetary “enrichment” for an advantage. Future experiments and tastings will permit cats masquerading as dogs in the experiment as long as they can buy several pages of ads in any paid publication containing the tasting results.
Finally, the licensing of shelf talkers will be available after and under no circumstances will Cleveland Bourbon Whiskey be used—- I don’t need, the cops, PETA, and Cowdery up my ass, as like I said at the beginning, I love my dogs.
P.S. The photo does not include Michter’s Sour Mash, as it was just used to unclog my toilet. Sad to report it wasn’t much use for that either.